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Rapper and Music Executives

I used to work for a record company. One time a famous rapper recorded a new album and gave us the tracks. And then one of the record executives told him, “Um. These are some really great songs. But, the thing is, we were expecting you to use the n-word about 300 times on this album, the way you normally do. But you used the n-word zero times.” And the rapper said, "Hm. I knew I was forgetting something. I didn't use the n-word once? That's weird. I think maybe it’s because before I recorded the album, instead of getting high on drugs, I got high on Flintstone vitamins. I had me about three Wilmas and four Bam Bams.

Story About Some Guy and Also Bill Gates

This guy tries to start up a calendar company. As in, "Oh. I'm gonna print calendars and sell them." And people tell him, "What's the point? People have phones that have calendars in them. They don't need print calendars." "Yeah. But I'm gonna put together a calendar that's good. Because it'll have pictures." "People can find pictures on their phones." "Yeah. But the thing is, my calendars will have pictures of mice." So he prints 5 million calendars. And he starts selling them door-to-door. He tells people, "Hey. Do you need a calendar of mice?" And he sells all 5 million of his calendars. For $1,000 apiece. Cash. So, this guy, he has $5 billion cash." Then he wants to start hanging out with rich people. Because, you know how it is. Rich people like to be around rich people. So this guy, the calendar salesman, he goes to Bill Gates's house. He says, "Bill. I'm rich, Let's be frien